I’ve officially started my training contract at Lovelaters & A’lliance, sharing an office with a Gordon Gekko alike. His every telephone conversation is like a scene from the film Wall Street: Whos next at bat?, whats worth doing is worth doing for money, money talks, bullsh*t walks and other assorted cliche ridden phrases.
I’ve officially started my training contract at Lovelaters & D’Alliance, sharing an office with a Gordon Gekko alike. His every telephone conversation is like a scene from the film Wall Street: Whos next at bat?, whats worth doing is worth doing for money, money talks, bullsh*t walks and other assorted clich?idden phrases.
Other than jumped up associates at Lovelaters, who speaks like that? Gekkos life is a continual blur of rolodexes, egg-shell white business cards, power lunches and avocado sandwiches. But at least hes good for one thing his total indiscretion.
The other night I came back to the office at the back end of a data room shift to find Gekko on the phone: He didnt! On the printer? Youve got to be kidding. In his DD (due diligence) report? What a muppet! At last, I thought, some intrigue.
For the uninitiated, a basic fact of office politics is that secretaries know everything. Knowledge is power, and they have access to partners emails. If you need information so the rules dictate – consult the oracle, but go armed with sacrificial tea and biscuits. The next morning I convened a meeting of the council of elders – a.k.a. Mrs B and Mrs T, two of the secretaries on our floor.
I swan over with two cuppas and a plate of bourbons: Whats all this Ive heard about a juicy rumour involving a DD report?
They shoot each other a smirk I know that Ive hit pay dirt.
Well now young trainee, arent you quick with your ear to the ground. So, whats it to you?
Nought to me, but theres a box of chocolates in it for you pair, barefaced bribery – it never fails.
In that case, lets just say that if youre going to arrange your private life on the internet take care printing off your emails.
Further digging reveals that one of the NQs had printed off his personal emails after a session scanning the personal listings on Gumtree.
This printed list of casual liaisons has been mixed into a draft due diligence report belonging to his supervising partner. Quite naturally, the partner grabbed the DD report off the printer and has b*ggered off home only to find some interesting bedtime reading.
Now if the NQ in question hadnt regularly dumped on me with proof reading, Id feel a pang of sympathy. As hes been an absolute pain in the bum, I find the whole situation nothing short of wetting my pants funny.
At the first available moment, I raise the issue with Gekko. It turns out that one of the emails mentioned a dogging hot spot in Barnet. Like a dog with a bone, Gekko happily high tails it down the corridor on his daily trip to grab an over-priced sandwich and a 70p apple. He howls as he struts past the NQs office whom he now openly refers to as Colly named after a footballer and an incident involving a weather girl.
Chocolates are a small price to pay for such entertainment. And theres only one choice a box of Celebrations. I allow myself five minutes to pick out all the Maltesers before handing the pack to Mrs B and Mrs T. Schadenfreude!
Alan McBeal is a trainee at the fictional law firm Lovelaters & DAlliance. All the events are made up (honest).